How to Deal?!
A collection of stories and events from my life that include things about my relationships family and all of the curve balls life throws my way.
Super Shitty.
Well as you all know things did not work out with the CCA (I am still pissed off and sad about that sometimes. ) and I was lost after that and didn't know what to do. I had been living with my sister and she told me that I had to get another job so I could pay her $200/month to continue live with her , which I thought OK it's only fair to help out if I am not paying rent. Since I am not going to school in Cali I figured that I would work for the year and continue to live with my sister and get myself a car and go to culinary art school next Fall. My mother a former teacher said hell no to that. She said that I should go to technical school until I go to a new culinary art school next fall. Well if I am going to go to technical school I may as well take some culinary art classes. Well the only way I could do that is to sign up for the culinary arts Program which results in a degree. Why would I go through classes like that for a year (since it was a year I wouldn't even complete the program) if I was going to start out doing the same stuff next year anyways. I don't feel the need to be repetitive in my education . My mother rushed and pushed me to get into this program and I couldn't anyways because I switched over my FAFSA and they said that It was to late to do everything. So my mother is pissed off and telling me that I am on my way to welfare . (what a way to support your kid) My sister sent me back to live with our mother until I find a job that will allow me to pay my sister to live with her. My sister asked me what classes I was going to take next semester. I said next semester? she said "yeah" I said "I thought I would work for the year so I could stay here with you." she said school was more important. I said "Well I am not going to live here and move back when second semester starts I may as well stay with mom for the year than. So I feel like shit and I am so confused. I guess I'm just going to try to get into the program for the next semester or take some classes next semester to make my mother happy so she will leave me the FUCK alone. I have not thought this all the way through but I will find a way to keep everyone happy and keep myself away from my mother who treets me like an invisible child ( it wouldnt even be that bad if she treated me like an invisible adult) untill she needs me to do something.
Sometimes I feel really helpless about my life and I get really confused and I just dint know what to do. I don't know if I will ever get to where I want to be sometimes I feel like I will die before I get away from my mother and am able to do what I want to do and enjoy my life.
I hate being so young and not knowing what to do about my life.
My confessions
I have a few confessions!!!!!!!!!
I like to watch cartoons. Not just any cartoons but "wonder Pets". Its a cartoon about little classroom pets who travel the world and save other little animals. Its so cute this is a cartoon for like 4 year olds and I love it!!!!
I also like to watch south Park but hey that's no surprise I really have a dirty sense of humor.
I am a Chocoholic
When I am at home I am super laid back and I burp and fart like a man as long as none of my friends are around but I am a lady out in public.
I am a chick who likes porn . Yes you herd me I like porn and sex toys !!!
I do a pretty good and deep drag queen voice lol.
I like to be on top ( ; ) you know what I'm talking about )
I go to the movies almost Evey weekend.
I hate raisins
I have liked guys since I was old enough to walk towards one
I'm a daddy's girl
Sometimes I think of my sister as my mom
I resent the fact that my mom never spent time with me as a child it still bothers me till this day.
I am spoiled
sometimes I bite my boyfriend when he makes fun of me ( but not hard though)
I'm a bit of a freak
The parts of my body I like the most are my eyes , lips , boobs and ass.
The worst news to recieve at this point.
I just found out this morning that the CCA which is the California Culinary Academy in San Francisco is not all its cracked up to be. Now let me remind you this is the school I'm supposed to be leaving in 2 weeks to attend. I read that they have numerous law suites against them and supposedly don't teach their students what they need to know to succeed along with having students that don't have high success rates after the programs are finished which leaves them with shitty jobs at greasy spoons and Starbucks. These jobs wont even help pay of the $80,00 to $100,000 debt that most of their students will have after their program is finished. (that number is no mistake because that is the debt I would have had after finishing school.) Needless to say I am no longer going to be going to this place and that I am now on a search to find another more reputable culinary art school.
The Career Education Corporation is to blame for the deterioration of this once highly regarded schools good reputation.This corporation is in the money making buisness and has no interest in education of the students that attend the many diffrent schools this corporation owns. High end restaurants will not higher students who have CCA on their resume because the school no longer turns out young quality chefs any more.
These are the links to articles that told me everything about my school that I'm sure the school didn't want me to know.
A shitty thing to say.
So as most of my readers know I am going to Culinary art school in California. well this whole process of applying and getting loans and everything else has been allot of work and a bit a of struggle and has brought on some arguments with my mother.
Going to Culinary art school is sooooo important to me and to go to one of the best culinary art schools in the country makes it even more important and even better. I have never really been all that great in school not for lack of intelligence but because things didn't catch my interest to quickly and when they did I did great. My first year of regular college wasn't all that fabulous and this I know is going to be different because I feel differently about this i am actually excited and eager to go.
On the phone this evening with my mother discussing my living arrangements,the application I have to put in for the apartment I will be living in over there and the fee for my application she decides to tell me that me going to school over there is a big inconvenience for the family and that I didn't consider anyone else in my decision to go. First off that was a big blow to my enthusiasm and motivation. Second of all its not like my mother is paying for a damn thing!! I am paying for my schooling and my housing all on my own. Third of all yes my father and my aunt have put out money but to my mother because she decided to accompany me to California because she feels like I need a fucking babysitter to come with me on my trip there!! I never asked her to come with me in the first place I actually would prefer that she did not come with me! If she wouldn't have insisted on coming with me neither my aunt nor my father would have to put out money . The money is for her not me. lastly its not like we own a fucking farm that is our only lively hood and I have to stay to help because there is no one else , my mother is not fucking bed ridden either so I am not tied down and have no obligated to stay here close to home for school.
O and did I mention how my mother wants to go and get legally married to her partner on her trip to California with me!!!! And guess who she wants the fucking witness to be!!!! You guessed it ,ME! even after lying to me about her commitment ceremony the first time she wants me to fucking be there for her. ( That's another story in it self)
Needless to say I am pretty pissed off and upset that my mother is being like this , it actually kind of hurts.
Relationships are traumatizing...
Even though my boyfriend has been treating me volumes better than our first run I have reservations and I am afraid of him. I'm having a hard time letting go of everything that happened before and all the things he did and said. One thing I learned was that my boyfriend lied to me constantly about things and if you lie allot you don't just stop over night because half the time you do it to cover your ass.
I love him allot and am happy where things are going but I'm scared that one day he will stop caring and relapse into what he was doing before. I'm terrified because I don't like getting my heart broken , I hate crying , and I am going to hate being on the market again.!!
If one more heart break comes out of this I think i might walk away and never look back because I have put allot of time and energy and thought and allot of myself into this relationship. The first run of our relationship and the breakup was traumatizing.I love him with so much of myself but sometimes the past shakes me to my core.
I Saw Something Scairy Tonight
I went to the movies tonight with my boyfriend and his friend and after the movie we were walking out and the guy who sat down in the row in front of us was talking to us about the movies as we were walking out , this mans girlfriend goes to the bathroom and my boyfriend goes to the bathroom as well so I am standing in the movie theater lobby with my boyfriends friend Ryan who is also a friend of mine and the movie theater guy gets on the phone and says "Hey its me , I told the wife I was hanging with you tonight so , yeah I'll call you in the morning." Than this guys girlfriend comes out of the bathroom and they walk out together. This is scary as hell to me because I witnessed a man cheating on his wife. This made me never want to get married out of fear that this would happen to me even though my boyfriend reassures me that he would never and has never done such a thing before.
This little display of infidelity brought on a conversation of "Would you tell someone?" Would you tell someone they were being Cheated on? To answer this question I would definitely tell someone they were being cheated on under circumstances , then I would be there to help them pick up the pieces when it blew up since I had to be the bearer of bad news.The circumstances would be that I knew the person doing the cheating and I knew the person being cheated on. If My friend was cheating on someone who I knew and had a good relationship with I would tell on my friend but not without lack of proof to show the other person. If one of my friends was being cheated on I would for sure tell them ASAP even with lack of proof to show I would get proof later. I think to not tell someone you know that they are being cheated on is like saying I witnessed you being made a fool of all over town and I don't care enough about you to let you know so that you are not blind to the situation anymore. Even though I witnessed the fact that your "Solid" relationship is a lie that you are living I still will not tell you because I don't care enough to let you know.
What really got to me was when my Boyfriend was talking about how its not cool to "tell on your boys" and that he would not tell on one of his buddies and that he would expect the same even though he doesn't do stuff like that. That scared me because I like his friends and I respect them and I hope that they would respect me enough to let me know that my boyfriend was doing dirt behind my back because I would not want to sit there and be oblivious and be made a fool of.
picture this....
My boyfriend knows how much I love photography and taking pictures and editing them , so one day we were freshening up and he told me he wanted to get me a gift . I asked what kind of gift and he said just a gift and I had to ask once more what kind? He told me wants to get me a digital camera. The one I have is nice but the one he wants to get me would be even better and pricey. I told him he doesn't have to do that for me because I like the fact that he doesn't spend allot of money on me but I do secretly hope he gets me the camera because I love capturing the beauty in the world around me.
More of some of my work.
Taken at home in my back yard The date is messed up because I couldnt figure out how to change the date settings on my camera.
The top flower picture was taken at home they are my mothers flowers and the bottem was taken at school before school was out. Once again same problem with the date.Thankful For This Man.
I have been uber sick since this past Saturday and my dad has been so wonderful. I mean he is wonderful all the time but he really makes a point to take care of me when I am sick.
When I was growing up my dad was hardly around because he worked in Indiana for Chrysler. He worked in the factory and made six figures working long hours just so I could have everything he never had growing up. I have never set foot in a public school because of my father. He commuted eight hours every weekend to see our family , four hours home and four hours back to work. I saw him only on the weekends and as a kid I thought this was totally normal. Well what do little kids know.
My father is now retired and he makes a point to be there for my sister and I as much a possible to make up for the years he wasn't able to. I am not going to lie either I am a total daddy's girl.
Every day that I have been sick my dad has called to see how I have been doing. He stopped by twice to bring me soup and juice and oranges and things sick people usually need. I am so thankful for my dad , I don't know what I would without him because I love him so much.
Realy Sick!!............
Today I slept in because I haven't been feeling much better and when I got up I was super hungry. I decided to have some chicken noodle soup. Well after I finished the tasty soup I rushed to the bathroom and it all came back up : ( I have been feeling like shit since Saturday and today I also started coughing up yellowy-brown slime. I called my mom to tell her and she told me that it sounds like an infection so she took me to prompt care. Come to find out I have Bronchitis. The Doc gave me prescriptions for my sinuses , an antibiotic , and something for the cough. I pray I get better because I have a super busy weekend ahead of me.!
Missing today
I am missing Fathers Day today because I am sick, Sick as a dog. I have chills , a sore and tight throat , runny nose , and the occasional sneeze with some body aches. How shitty is that!
The Happeing
Tonight I am going to go see the movie the Happening Directed and Produced by M. Night Shyamalan. I am a fan of all of his movies. Alot of people will be quick to tell you that his movies suck and that they always look really scary but aren't , the thing about his movies that make them interesting is the underlying political and social meanings. Movies are not just about big explosions , blood , guns and sex. Well made movies serve a purpose of sending a message to movie goers and making them really think about about they are seeing. A movie is a celebration of the brilliant minds behind it .
A heart set a blaze
Last night at about 12:00 am my boyfriend showed up at my sisters apartment to spend the night. I am staying at my sisters place for the week and my sister has this rule about not having people over without her permission and when she is not present , well needles to say I'm a bit of a rule breaker and my sister had no idea my boyfriend was over. I came up with this idea because as much as we have had sex we have never actually slept together and that is something I wanted to do before I left to go to San Fran.
We both got comfortable in my bed and we just laid there talk for a while. It was inevitable that we were going to have sex so we didn't rush it because we knew it was coming. I laid there in his arms and he nuzzled my neck and whispered how much he cares about me , how he has never cared about someone so much , how good I make him feel , how lucky he got and than whispered that he loved me.
After laying and talking for a while we started to get down to the act. I am self conscious about my body I have a big round booty , full hips and thighs , big boobs , and a bit of a tummy. Due to my self consciousness my boyfriend and I had never done anything with the lights on and I always managed to have some article of clothing on. Well last night was the first night we left the lights on and he Finlay saw me in all of my naked glory. It was really a relief though. The first thing he said to me after I fully stripped down was "you have no reason to be ashamed of your body , your beautiful."
He planted soft kisses on my soft tummy , and gently caressed my full hips and thighs. Last night was more than just great sex it was something I have always wanted. It was real true intimacy just being wrapped up in each other and really taking the time to enjoy and appreciate the other persons presence and body.
After we finished we wrapped up in my comforter and cuddled with me nestled close in his arms . He gently kissed my bare shoulder and whispered to me " Perfect fit , I could lay like this forever."
Last night was a not only a night to remember but it was another step in our relationship.
My heart was truly set a blaze lastnight and the flams are ones that I dont want to put out.
when does it fucking stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of my friends whom I have known since kindergarten and went to school with for 13 years just told me she was diagnosed with cancer. I have known this girl and her family for a long time and we have been there for each other on numerous occasions. we were best friends and than in high school we drifted apart but still talked from time to time. When do the bitter and unnecessary parts of life stop ?
Shitty!!!
The weather around here has been incredibly shitty!!! There have been tornado warnings and it has been raining and thunder storming for the past couple of days. It will be this way for the next couple of days too. I am supposed to have a late night rendezvous but that doesn't look like the case with this super shitty weather. This bad weather has put a funk on my good mood.
A little pond fish travels to one of the Great Lakes.
As it draws closer to the time for me to leave the more scared I get. I am a little pond fish who chose to go and live in one of the Great Lakes for a year and a half while attending culinary art school. For those of you who don't know I am from a town between Chicago and Milwaukee (kenosha A.K.A little Italy) and the big lake I am going to is San Francisco. I am a little pond fish with Great Lake dreams. I intend on making a splash on the food and wine scene along with being a Novelist.
I have to have a roommate and I hope she is not a bitch. Culinary arts is competitive , and by nature I am a sweet laid back person with a sense of humor , I'm not sure if I have claws but I guess this is a good time to find out if I do or not.
Things I fear I might encounter while away......
1) A bitchy roommate who steals my shit.
2) I fear that I might go over there only to find that its not what I want
3) Even though I am in a relationship I fear I might find myself being the object of someones pursuit. I have this crazy sex drive that is going to have to be out on hold. I am not saying that I cant be faithful because there is no question in my mind that I am not a cheater but i don't want to have to go through feeling the temptation.
4)Loneliness
5)Failure
I just want everything to go well , I know there will be struggle but I wish I knew for sure that everything would work out right.
The Second Run update....
So far I am pleased with the effort that my boyfriend is making for our relationship. there were allot of good and times the first time around and the bad ended up tearing me apart inside a bit.
We have both been allot happier and working harder on just being more understanding and supportive to one another. I appreciate the fact that he is being more mindful and proactive in his pursuits of his goals and me.
The things is I still have a little problem with trust. I want to fully trust him but a part of me stays reserved and hides from him. I do remember we were doing something a couple of weekends ago and he said " What? Don't you trust me?" I never answered him . I don't know if I will grow out of this or if its going to become a big problem later.
I guess we will see.
A First time bare fisher and a first time escape artist.
I received a phone call at 2 in the morning from my boyfriend. He was calling on his friends cell phone. " I have been thinking about you allot and I want to see you I want you. Come out with me tonight , pleas. " So I said yes and an hour later I was sneaking out of my sisters apartment , I didn't know I was such a good escape artist. We drove to my boyfriends friends house and i thought we would just hang out and do some hardcore making out but no my boyfriend had something else in mind. My boyfriends friend has this nice trailer in his back yard for when his family goes camping . My boyfriend knew exactly what he wanted. We went into the trailer and right when that door closed he was all over me. " Baby I want you so bad , come on let me have you " So I laid back on the bed after taking my pants off and he kissed his may down my body and ended up in uncharted territory. He pulled me in closer and just started licking and sucking and almost instantly i was gone. I had never had anyone do that to me before but it was amazing and my boyfriend had never gone fishing on anyone before either. We worked our way into the actual act but i had no condom and he said that's OK we will be careful and ill pull out. the bare sex was amazing , hot hard hitting and deep. We went for a good while and than he pulled out (yay) and finished. We got dressed and went inside to wake my boyfriends friend so he could take me home , but he didn't wake up. my boyfriend was like OK I'm taking your car and his friend mumbled OK. So I drove home and my boyfriend drove back to his friends house. It was an incredible night.
I was hit on today by another woman!
Today my sister and I went to Olive Garden for an early dinner and our waitress was really nice , her name was Rachel. She was Proudly sporting her rainbow bracelets and her blond died fohawk .(she is a brunet but the fohawk part was died blond.) She was just one of thoes women where you just knew she was a lesbian , but she wasnt butchy though she was more boyish. She was a little more boyish than a tom boy but less manish than a butch. She still had some feminie qualities too. She gave really great service , but the whole time she was talking to me and nearly ignored my sister. She called me sweetness and was defiantly flirty with me. I found it flattering . She was really cute too. Its funny because my boyfriend told me not to fall for any women when i go to San Francisco and he knows damn well I'm straight. I cant Waite to call him and tell him that I got hit on by a cute lesbian today. !! lol.
Trying to tie a very loose end
Back in October I went on a double date with my boyfriend , his best buddy Ryan , my best friend Anita , and myself. We all had a great time. It was meant for Anita and Ryan to get together but they never did. He called her but she never called him back because she was more interested in a guy she met at school. Well the guy she met at school ended up becoming her boyfriend, he is short and has a kid, and I don’t like the guy that much. The relationship was good in the beginning but it got worse and worse. There are so many reasons why he isn’t good for her but to name them would be time consuming.
A couple of weeks ago Anita and I went for coffee and we ended up meeting up with Ryan at Barnes and noble. We had a great time and I think what was initially supposed to happen might happen. Anita and Ryan have started talking and I think and hope it will turn into a good friendship. I had Anita call Ryan because she is having problems with her boyfriend like she does every other week and Ryan is good at giving advice so she will see how nice Ryan is and how much of a gentleman he is and she will want that.I am trying to show her how real men are supposed to be.
First time in a long time.....
I am writing this quickly because I have to go soon...
Like everyone else, I am one of those people who have a daily routine in the morning and than things to do throughout the day. I have a relatively busy life. Well today, I am supposed to see my boyfriend and we are supposed to have another delicious date/rendezvous. (It's not all about sex with us but it’s still a good part of our relationship. It keeps things interesting and it helps us to learn more about each other.) I had an hour to kill before I had to start getting ready so I decided to do something I haven’t done in a long time while I have the time. I decided to take a nice long hot bath. No music, no candles, just the sounds of the water and the breeze coming through the window. However, there were bubbles I had to have the bubbles.
I had forgotten how wonderfully sensual and calming baths can be. The steam and the hot water just covering you in blanket of warm ecstasy. I now feel very relaxed and somewhat sexy. It’s amazing what some extra time and a bath can do for you. I never have the time to take baths only 20min showers. I think I am going to try to make more time for myself now.
