I am still on my "adventure" . I finished my work out about 50 min. ago and I am feeling to resentful right now. I hate anyone who eve smiles at me and I honestly have no reason to be so hateful right now. My room mate/friend is the person who is helping me work out and right now I don't feel like she is really doing it to help me. I feel like she is doing this for her know amusement . I feel like I am her play thing and she is an evil cat.

On top of that today during my work out he said one of those most trite phrases ever. "Pane is beauty" At that moment I started to cry because if  pain is beauty than people who go through traumatic experiences and hurt every day emotionally should be considered absolutely gorgeous. I should be considered gorgeous already if that's the case , because that is real pain.

On top of that I don't feel any better about myself , I feel worse and feel more less attractive. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror and when ever I work out she makes me look at myself and I hate it. I want to quit and just be done but I know I shouldn't.

Still continuing on my journey............

Amber.

I am screaming and dying inside. The things she says she has no business saying. My mother seems to think I am extremely ungrateful. I don't see how. Because everyday since she got married to that crazy woman I gave her my silence so she would think I was OK with it. I could never voice my pain about my parents divorce , or my disappointment in her choice of a new partner (she could have picked someone so much better and drama free) , I kept silent the tears pouring from my eyes to wash the blood from my feet for everyday I walk on glass and egg shells for a woman undeserving of my mother , my pain , and my cooperation. I always put on a smile so she could live the life she wanted so badly. I did it because I love her so much and it kills to think about. I cant even open talk about it with out flood gates leaking and rattleing and being tempted to break. Than I make a simple mistake and all of a sudden I make things hard for everyone involved. Well my mother should be the one to talk. A marriage she didn't even tell me about until after the fact. A wife with more baggage than the cargo area of a plane. a step daughter who hates our family who is on a continuous mission to break them up , and in laws who would love nothing better than forget my exists have my mothers wife committed as well as forgotten.(they were so close with that last one , except we rescued her from the funny farm in Tinley park IL that looked like one of those mental institutions from a horror movie. I make the simple mistake of order my birth control from the Walgreens by my apartment in Chicago (so I can pick them up when I go back on Sunday) and all of a sudden I'm making things hard for everyone involved. It has been 4-6 years since all of this bull shit started and it still feels like a fresh cut , like it just happened yesterday. I have been trying to let it go but I just cant shake it and I know it's killing me.

Why are relationships so exhausting?

I don't understand why it is so hard for men to think before they speak especially in a conversation with their girlfriends " You don't take your girlfriend to the club" is something you think about before you say it. It will save you an argument and suspicion , but no it just comes out and they expect for you to not get upset and think What the fuck. Women are not difficult men just say dumb things and expect women to not get upset.

I live in a city where everyone lives in their own little bubble and these people have other people that have special access to their little worlds. In this city that I live in I spent my day observing everyone and their bubbles and since the weather is getting warmer there are more couples to observe but there seemed to be more than usual today. My love lives in the next state and seeing everyone together made me miss him and feel so lonely. I road the bus today watching all the people and couples and there was one couple that will always be special to me. I just happened to be coming to a stop light and so I looked to my left and there they were on the side walk. They were funny looking young lovers , with styles of their own. The young guy was tall and thin and artsy looking and the girl was short and funny and angelic. They were just loving each other , openly showing their affection with hugs and soft sweet kisses. I envied these two because they were so happy to be together and have each other . I couldn't help but to stair and feel so lonely without my love. Well the funny looking young girl  of the couple turned stepped out into the street and waived to me. I didn't think she was waiving to me at first so I looked around to see who she was waiving to and there was no one so I turned back around and she pointed at me so I waived back and she waived again and than happily blew me a kiss as if to make me feel included in the romance that was buzzing in the air today. Se smiled and so I smiled back and the bus drove off. This was the sweetest part of my day. In a city buzzing with busy lives and many bubbles that one is not apart of someone stepped out of their bubble and for a moment made me feel that I was not alone and that someone out there cares for me. Yes it made me smile but at the same time it almost brought me to tears. The feeling that I got from that kiss was completely platonic , like a good friend would hug you to make you feel better. Now this simple action could have been done to mock me but today I wont be a cynic and I wont make it a possibility. I will always remember the silly young couple that made me feel not so alone on such a pretty day. It almost felt like they were there at that perfect moment just for me , like angels. I don't know who you two were but thank you silly young couple for making me feel not alone in a busy yet lonely city.

For most of you this experience might not make sence but on a lonly day simple things like this show of effection make a diffrence in ones life and you feel like humanity isnt loosing its self.

     I hate men. Plane and simple. They drive me crazy!!!!!!! But its so hard to not want them. What do you do witch such a necessary evil.The only ones I like are gay ones because they are just like my girls

:(
 

Wow haven't been on here in so long!!!!! How is every one doing ??

1)Well this is what has been going on lately. I have applied for Kendall College for Culinary art school and the process of getting a private loan is kicking my ass because the economy sucks!!!!!!!! But I still am not loosing hope...   I am really excited because Its in Chicago and Chicago is such a great city and there is lots to do .

2)I don't know why men who have GIRLFRIENDS feel the need to come after women single or not when they already have someone. Its so irritating. I am talking about and to one guy imparticular ( You know who you are!!!!) Its extra irritating when they basically ask you to cheat. For all the guys out there like that , You don't deserve anyone for being so shitty!!!!!!

3)I am very excited for our new President , this should be interesting.

4)There is someone new in my life , but like I said NEW so we shall see what happens , he is single and sweet , charming and a gentleman. (Don't be jealous) Yes I am single again (long story)

5) I am on a quest for honest , unconditional , raw , love. Some of you may be asking why at such a young age? Well because its a battle and sometimes a life long search , and sometimes its a debate on weather or not it really exists. So if this sight still works when and if I find it ha ha I will let you all know.

(Update)
   Hey everyone ....

Its been a little while since my last blog so this is whats been going on.

I have been on a job hunt to find a better job so I can buy a car , currently that's not happening.

My boyfriend is going to move out of his friends house and get his own apartment!! (yay) I can spend the night with him and he offered for me to move in when I get a new better job but I'm not sure if I am going to I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I am going to visit Kendall college soon (Great culinary arts program) but I am not sure what kind of financial aid I will be able to get because the economy is shit .

My friend who has cancer is doing well and has two more sessions of kemo left.

(Clarification.)

Allot of people don't really know what nationality I am and why I don't know. One day I was at the store with my sis when she ran into her former coworker and the laidy said I have slanted eyes and called me CHINA and said I looked Asian. I am African American and it pisses me off that people cant comment on my "exotic" looks with out being rude about it or sounding ignorant. Don't get me wrong I like my look but others find it weird and get insulting about it.

OK so Wednesday is my one year anniversary with my boyfriend but here is the kicker. My boyfriend called me and we were having a conversation that somehow led to the subject of me being to clingy and emotional and wants me to pull back on that. Basically he wants me to be more accommodating on top of the accommodations I already make for him. What is super shitty is that he doesn't bother to really try to accommodate me in any way. He has a habit  that actually makes me physically sick and its like he refuses to not do it in front of me. what the fuck !!!!!!!!

I am to damn nice when he doesn't deserve it half the time. I swear he is just going to piss me off so badly one day and he wont even see it coming and he will wonder why I flipped out on him.

I love him I really do but he is just really stupid about some things.

   Since I moved back home I have not had sex with my boyfriend and its killing me. I am randy every day. I use to get it like 2 sessions a week with 4-8 rounds each. My boyfriend thinks I'm a nympho but I dint think so. I just know what I like and what makes me feel good. I guess I am one of those people who have an addictive personality. 

I miss the intimacy and that amazing feeling of pure satisfaction. Sex and chocolate are two of my favorite things and I cant live with out either of them. Part of the problem is my boyfriend and I don't see each other as much when I was living with my sis but I am going to have to fix this because I think my boyfriend and I are both having issues.

I am about to bust if I don't get any soon.